Butt Mud

News that is Total Crap!

Being Married to Middle Management

Written By: sapphire - Mar• 05•13

Yep, that’s right, I am one of those bitches that tried to sleep their way to the top only to end up with a guy in middle management. Let me tell you about middle management.

5 ways in which  middle management (further to be called MM) different from you and I?

1. MM has no real power.

2. MM sets their own hours.

3. MM goes to 3 hour $100 a plate lunches.

4. MM gets to work from home.

5. MM can join in on any event.

 

My husband is a really good guy, but he is also a middle management blow hard. This man would take a bullet for me, but every time I hear him spout just a little of the corporate jargon bull$hit I want to punch a kitten.

My husband has no real power, but he gets to sit in on all the meeting with upper management while they make these changes, decisions, etc that effect all the little people (me) and gets to suck at the teat of upper managements fake breast of knowledge. Once MM gets done in these meetings they get to come back to all the people doing the grunt work of the company and explain these changes, most of these changes are shitty little changes that upper management has dreamed up to save a quarter for the company, meanwhile we the little people are getting almost no raises. What does upper management get for this quarter>>>that’s right, a 10% raise. What did I get for dealing with this stupid change that I got to explain to people 50 times a day, that’s right, perhaps a demotion since the change didn’t fit this years newly hatched design.

MM gets to give me a hard time about being late for work almost twice a week, my MM boss lives about a mile away from me and many many times we are stuck in traffic together. My MM boss is noticed by no one if she clocks in 15 minutes later, but me, I get to listen to her tell me that perhaps I should leave earlier>>>really, did you leave your house with over an hour to get here in order to make a 25 minute drive? Oh yeah, you did and got stuck in the same damn traffic that plagues our little hellhole 2 times a week. To add to this I get to listen to the MM hubby talk about how he wanted to get logged in earlier, that ass just needs to take his own car and perhaps not make the stop at the local burger king. One of these days I will have that shit MY WAY!

The 3 hour $100 lunch, guess what the little people get for the same award that week? Stale Nachos and the ability to wear a hat at work. Yes, thank you, I got to wear my own clothes and management got to feast for 3 hours on the company. Your welcome for all that work I did.

Ahh, MM gets to work from home, that’s right, if it wasn’t bad enough about making your own hours MM works from home when they want to…but lets not get confused, they do have to do shit during shitty hours…ONCE A YEAR! The hubby you ask, yea, like 2 times a week he is just too tired to get up and make the drive in, sick day you say? Hell no, work from home day!

On the super rare times when we the peasants get something good going on at work middle management can swoop down from their branches above and whore in on the fun…asses!

 

Next time I try to sleep my way to the top I better start with someone with a real title, and stock options, and a CEO after his name…its a good thing I love my MM blow hard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Xbox is trying to be safer than my bank.

Written By: sapphire - Feb• 18•13

This evening as my kid tries to sign in to play a video game we get a message that Microsoft needs additional verification, so I follow the instructions to add security (sideline, and if I didn’t add this security what would happen? My kids zombie kill score might go down, oh no!)

 

Step 1. Sign in to the Microsoft website: ok, fair enough.

Step 2. Find any information about resetting password for Xbox, oh wait, that is not on the page anywhere…when they say Xbox password security what they meant was Microsoft. Thank goodness for Google and my IT employed husband for figuring that part out.

Step 3. Reset password, sign into the Xbox and then it ask for more security info.

Step 4. Provide a phone number so they can text me a pass code.

Step5. Wait for pass code.

Step 6. Clean kitchen counter, wait for pass code.

Step 7. Finally get pass code and enter it.

Step 8. Please provide a 2nd e-mail address for further confirmation *but wait there is more*

Step 9. Start cussing, log back into the Microsoft website, enter another e-mail address, my phone number for contact info, my favorite food (I swear it asked for my favorite damn food)

Step 10. NO F**KING WAY, WE HAVE REACHED THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN!!!!! Sign in has been completed, now the world can go on because the safety of my kids zombie kill score will be safely tucked away with all of my e-mails addresses, passwords, phone numbers favorite foods.

 

All is now right in the world, thank you Xbox and Microsoft…without all this added safety I just don’t know how I could ever feel okay that my bank only requires half the knowledge about me to protect my money, SS#, credit rating, etc. The next time I roll into the bank I better ask them if they know what my favorite food is, if they cannot tell me that I will know that is the moment to close my accounts with that bank>>>how dare them not keep my money safe, after all, don’t they know how important my zombie kill score is?

I Hate Sandwiches

Written By: sapphire - Feb• 02•13

Dear Earl of Sandwich,

F U!!!

I hope you are happy that your “invention” haunts me in every facet of my life, and damn, my poor kids are suffering as well. I have figured out that I am 33 years old and if I leave out the first 5 years of my life, account for 2 sandwiches a week for 28 years, I have manged to ingest over three thousand sandwiches in my lifetime…I ask you, Earl, how many damn sandwiches can we eat!!!!

I don’t care what you call it, if you stick a filling between 2 pieces of bread, its a f’ing sandwich and the damn Earl invades my life all the time. Is there anything worse than a sandwich, no, no, let me back up, after working at the same place for 10 years, eating about 3 sandwiches a week, plus other sandwiches, and including the sandwiches as a child, still the question remains, is there anything worse than a sandwich?

I am not sure about the rest of the world, but I know here in the Southern US the sandwich is a way of life, be it hamburger, taco, pita, hoagie, sub, etc there is a sandwich place on every freaking corner. The day they merge the drugstore with a sub sandwich place the rest of the world will be shocked but not me, I see the day coming, I can almost here the advertising slogan now.

SubDrug: Feed that cold, don’t starve that fever, come to SubDrug and get a cure for what ails ya *insert crappy music* and a saaaannnndwwwwwwwich!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Negotiating with a Bag of Shit

Written By: sapphire - Jan• 31•13

I really don’t know how to start this post out so I am just going to start typing and hope the thoughts come together.

Have you ever been going to one of THOSE meeting where you are sure you are going to get shit on? I have to say the purchase of a car with my ex-husband was by far the worst negotiating experience of my life, I wish at that time I had the guts that I do now, perhaps that purchase would have gone better if I had already adopted my new rule.

I SHALL TAKE A BAG OF SHIT TO EVERY NEGOTIATION I GO TO, therefore, no matter what happens, I will not be the only one getting shit on!

If you take just a moment to think this plan out, this plan is pure genius! There is not one salesman on the planet that is going to try to explain how clear coat is a justified $250 when you are sitting there with a nice steaming pile of dog shit in a wet smelly paper sack. I will agree that I have not worked out all the bugs in this plan, but I do know that the next contractor that I have work on my house better not take 5 months to install a new roof and gutters, but this is a story for another time.

Creating ButtMud

Written By: sapphire - Nov• 21•12

Fast food is amazing, and by amazing I mean total buttmud. As I sat in the drive thru today is occurred to me that every time I speak to a box and get a bag in return that I am eating worse than the average dining cavemen.

Old school cavemen really ate better than well…than me and a lot of the people I know.¬† The are many foodstuffs that are “a wash”, me and my caveman friend ate many of the same things on a basic level. Mystery meats prepared using questionable cooking methods and even more questionable cleanliness measures.

Oh wait, except the ole caveman also had fresh fish, fresh fruit, fresh veg, and the water…those damn cave men even had us beat when it came to water, a most basis element, and The Flintstones have us beat! Are you kidding me, thousands of years later and the Flintstones are kicking our asses when it comes to water and food?

I have been trying to come think of any basic needs that today we are better off than the damn Flintstones>>>safety? yeah right! Cavemen figured out that if nature is fighting with plagues, beast, etc that fighting each other seemed dumb, but no, no, not we of the current days…we have chosen to fight each other, antibacterial crap, hell, even our water has the ability to kill us if we drink it from the wrong place.

Holy shit, we are in buttmud.